Kidneys: Yoo hoo, it’s nearly drink’o’clock, crack open the gin
Me: Not today kidneys, we spent the weekend trying to rid the world of alcohol by drinking it, time for a rest.
Kidneys: Yeah right, go on, the ice is in the fridge.
Me: Nope, I am serious, it’s time for a few days off.
Kidneys: ‘A few days’, you really are taking the piss, how about a glass of wine
Me: Nope, you can have some water
Kidneys: bleargh, water, no thank you, nasty tastless stuff. Have a drink, you’ve been working hard all day and you deserve it.
Me: Shut up
Kidneys: I can imagine that soft smooth trickle of alcohol easing my stresses and strains. It also makes you wittier and more attractive.
Me: Water will make your skin glow
Kidneys: I haven’t got skin
Me: How about a cup of coffee?
Kidneys: With some rum in?
Me: No, shut up
Kidneys: Pleasssssssssseeeeeeeee, how about a Guinness, that is healthy and good for you. Pretty much a replacement for food.
Me: No, if you are good kidneys I’ll give you some pudding on Saturday.
Kidneys: But all over the world people are celebrating wine’o’clock, you are missing out.
Me: Shut the fuck up